As the millennium approaches, the rise of doomsday prophecies and cults is rapidly increasing. One cult, thought to be based in Dagenham is obsessed with damaging their own eyes.

Due to the astronomical alignment of several glasses of whiskey, some of the more obsessed devotees have seized upon the idea that your eyes can be more spectacularly damaged by staring at the sun whilst eating a pasty. This has meant that many have decided to travel all the way to distant Cornwall in order to fulfil the ancient prophecies concerning the prediction that whenever there is a stupid idea, thousands of people will spend lots of time and money proving just how stupid the idea is.

update-

Today there is expected to be a dramatic event in the skies as a cloud is due to pass in front of the sun. This will cast a huge shadow on the whole days events and much of the Cornish tourist industry is expected to be left in darkness due to bankruptcy.

viewing advice: Experts say that if you take a piece of blank card and stare down at this, this should be just as exciting as actually looking up at the eclipse itself.

Should you miss the days events, say by blinking, you can always catch the second lot of eclipses tonight. If you look up at the night sky, the experts predict that the moon will actually pass in front of the stars. During the 100% phase, you will only be able to see the moon and not the stars that happen to be behind it at the time.

WARNING: It is not safe to stare directly up at the moon whilst crossing the road or cutting a small child's hair.