SPOILER ALERT: If you have not read the
book, Lord of the Rings,
or seen the film, and do not wish to find out any details
of the plot then do not read on...
Dear Mr. Sauron,
I recently read an account by the historian
Tolkien concerning the spot of bother you've been having
in trying to reclaim a piece of jewellery that you seem
to have misplaced.
Having read about the unfortunate set
of circumstances, I would like to suggest a few pointers
as to how you might prevent any such thing repeating in
the future.
1. A Ring?
Now this was your first mistake. We all now how easy it
is to lose rings; they fall down the back of the sofa, slip
off from soapy fingers. Putting a vat-load of your evil
power into a ring was very foolish, you may as well have
gone all the way and created 'the one contact lens.' Obviously
using a single contact lens presents another problem, but
we'll gloss over that.
Also, and I expect your mother warned
you about doing this as you were halfway out the door, you
decided to wear your nice new shiny ring out onto the battlefield.
You were bound to lose it. You should have kept it behind
in a nice box and waited until you went out to dinner or
a show or something.
If you put your power into a big hat
or, hey, maybe a sword, then it would be a lot harder to
lose and might be useful in battle.
2. Eagles
You want to watch out for these creatures. They never get
that mixed up in other people's affairs, but they are waiting,
in the wings, as it were, until victory is almost assured
and then they swoop in to steal the show.
They are the Middle Earth goal-hangers.
But do not think these vain glory-grabbers are entirely
neutral. They are very much close acquaintances with Gandalf
and so any precarious seemingly-impossible situation involving
heights is going to be like a red rag to a bull. They're
going to rush there and tip off the tabloid press to ensure
that the heroic photographs make the frown pages of The
Middle Earth Mirror.
With all this in mind, you might want
to have a chat with your friend Saruman who oversees that
mobile phone mast of yours over at Orthanc. Capturing Gandalf
- excellent move. Sticking him on top of the tower's highest
point, unguarded, and in the open on a high platform - what
was he thinking?
Even a bit of netting suspended across
the top would have been a slight visual deterrent.
Why not just paint a big 'E' in a circle
on the platform and make it an eagle landing pad?
3. Orc relationship
management.
You need to drum home the message to them that they are
all on the same side. A few weekends away with group forming
activities. Orcs of the same breed seem to be okay together
(mainly thanks to the hugely popular 'I'm Uruk-hai, you're
Uruk-hai,' series) but when different Orcs meet, there does
seem to be some tension.
The Orcs lay hold of Merry and Pippin
at Rauros falls. Okay, so there's a looming moment of 'these
are not the hobbits you are looking for,' but it's a success
none the less. Let's give credit where it's due. However,
in-fighting between the various Orc clans weakens them and
enables the hobbits to wander off freely. Admittedly the
Rohan fox hunt that they bump into doesn't help, but if
they fought as a tightly-knit unit then they might have
got away with it.
Much later, Frodo himself is nabbed
by Orcs at the tower of Cirith Ungol. Okay, so he doesn't
have the Ring on him at that point, but he is certainly
prime bait for the hobbit who does. This is it, end game
in sight... but what happens? The Orcs start fighting amongst
themselves once more and Sam marches in and walks out with
Frodo.
A bit of squabbling would have been
bad enough, but their internal jealousies led to all but
a handful of them being slaughtered. All this occurs as
they are arguing over who gets Frodo's shiny coat.
Later, Sam and Frodo get mistaken for
Orcs due to the way they are dressed (let's just let that
one go past without comment) and they end up integrated
into an Orc company and marched off to war.
As this group reaches the convergence
of three roads at the gate to Udun, several other groups
arrive here at the same time and an Orc pile-up ensues,
enabling the two hobbits to wander off once again. This
was completely unnecessary. All that was needed was a mini-roundabout
whacked in the middle with a 'give way to Orc patrols to
the right' sign at each junction.
4. Mount Doom
You made the ring, you knew all about its pros and cons.
Here is the one place in all of Middle Earth where the ring
can be destroyed and it is unguarded. Not even a fence or
a 'keep out,' sign to put off curious trespassers.
And as for the fiery Crack of Doom itself.
Where do I begin? Health and safety would have a field day
in there. For a start, there isn't even any safety barriers
near the edge. What will it take before you sort this out?
An accident maybe? Sooner or later, some idiot is going
to fall in...
