Taken from the novel, Nix Ex Machina.
There was once a park keeper who,
strolling around his park one day, noticed that the grass
was being worn away by everyone walking over it to take
short cuts across the paths. So he spent the next evening
making up a batch of very simple and clear signs that read:
‘Keep off the grass.’
The next day he took the signs
in his wheelbarrow and set about placing them around the
park. He erected the first sign on a piece of grass right
nearby to where a gentleman was standing. The gentleman
didn’t move. So the park keeper shouted, ‘Can’t
you read the sign?’
‘Of course I can,’ came
the reply.
‘So why don’t you keep
off the grass then.’
‘Because,’ replied the
man, ‘I am not off the grass. The word ‘keep’
implies continuing in something you are already doing, so
I can move off the grass or I can keep on the grass, but
I cannot keep off the grass without being off the grass
in the first place.’
‘Can you please get off the
grass?’ said the keeper.
‘If you insist,’ came
the reply and with that the man walked away.
So the park keeper walked on and
found a young lad sitting on the grass, smoking a cigarette.
Placing a sign nearby, the keeper
pointed to it and said, ‘Keep off the grass.’
‘Am doing,’ replied
the lad. ‘Been on straight tobacco for a year now.’
The keeper walked on further and
found a woman who was walking her dog. Although she was
on the path the dog was walking on the grass at her side.
‘Keep off the grass,’
said the keeper, as he thumped the sign into the ground.
‘I am off the grass,’
replied the woman.
‘But your dog is not,’
said the keeper.
‘My dog cannot read,’
she insisted.
‘Then can you keep your dog
off the grass?’ he pleaded. ‘No living things
are allowed on the areas between the paths.’
The woman stooped down and began
picking the grass.
‘What are you doing now?’
shrieked the keeper.
‘No living things are allowed,’
the woman replied calmly, ‘and this grass is a living
thing.’
‘Leave the grass alone!’
he bellowed, and she hurried off.
He came back to the first sign
to check it had not been vandalised and found the man from
earlier, standing back where he had been before.
‘I thought I told you to
keep off the grass,’ said the keeper.
The man chuckled. ‘You want
to practice what you preach, you’ve walked all over
the grass putting those signs up.’
‘That’s different,’
replied the keeper. ‘As a park employee I need to walk
on the grass in the upkeep and care of the park. You however,
are to keep off the grass.’
The man looked down at his feet.
‘But with everyone having walked all over this spot,
there is no longer any grass to keep off.’
The keeper went home fuming and
painted the following sign.
It read as follows:
Keep
off the grass. Version two. This version supersedes and
replaces all previous versions of the ‘keep off the
grass’ notification.
Summary:
An executive order, issued by the park authority, by the
power vested in the same body by the ruling council of the
town, ordering all visitors that are not authorised under
the employment of the park authority to withhold from all
and any physical activity that may, according to the park
authority’s definition, harm the grass areas in any
way, including, but not limited to, walking upon, rolling,
jumping, dancing, strolling, crawling and fornicating upon
the aforementioned grass areas.
Definition
of terms:
Visitors
— these shall be defined as any and all non plant life-forms
that do not regularly habituate the park, including, but
not limited to, members of the public, their domesticated
pets and livestock, and any motorised vehicles or other
mechanical transportation devices. This does not include
park employees performing a function to sustain and maintain
the park, their tools and lawnmowers. Other exemptions shall
include the pigeons, ducks, and all other domesticated animals
as introduced by the park authority. Any and all non domesticated
animals within the park, including insects, rodents, bacteria
shall also be exempt, except whereby their number or presence
through health risk or sheer volume approaching plague proportions
shall be deemed to require their exclusion through special
measure, whereby certain third parties may be authorised
by the park authority to access the grass areas (see ‘grass
areas’ definition below) and spray chemicals that may
temporarily harm the grass, but only in order to resolve
the issue that has arisen to deem their presence necessary,
at the parks discretion. Acceptable wildlife shall not include
– homeless people, tramps, drunks, pre-coital couples,
post-coital couples, couples still in the act, and roller
skaters.
Grass
areas – These shall be defined as the earth areas that
are enclosed within the wooden bordering between the paths.
Where erosion has removed all evidence of grass, these areas
shall still remain within the domain of the ‘grass
areas’ and where the wooden bordering has come adrift
shall not be considered an acceptable right of way into
the prohibited zones. Any person in confusion as to the
dominion of the grass areas should refer to the official
map (Park Authority Grass Area Jurisdiction Diagram, in
force as of June 2001, Park Reference: GrassJun2001).
Harmful
activity – This shall be defined as any activity that
brings any part of any visitor (see ‘visitors’
definition above) into contact with the grass areas (see
‘grass areas’ definition above) or any activity
that brings any harmful substance into contact with the
grass. This includes, but is not limited to, alcohol, fire,
any and all bodily fluids and other organic excretions,
irritants, except for third parties authorised in special
circumstances as outlined in the definition of visitors
(see ‘visitors’ definition above).
Other
exemptions – Visitors (see ‘visitors’ definition
above) who cause harmful activity (see ‘harmful activity’
definition above) to the grass areas (see ‘grass areas’
definition above) without intent to do so (including, but
not limited to falling, slipping, being pushed by peers,
tripping, succumbing to an immobilising medical condition
and dying), shall not be held accountable for such action
provided that they, at the first opportunity, remove themselves,
by the most direct and least harmful route, from the grass
areas and immediately notify the park authority as to the
incident. In the case of death leading to a person infringing
upon the grass areas, any person accompanying the recently
deceased shall be responsible for their removal, except
where this act involves disturbing the scene of a crime,
whereby the police shall have full jurisdiction over the
immediate area. Where a person is responsible for the death
of another that leads to the dead party causing harm (see
‘harmful activity’ definition above) to the grass
areas (see ‘grass areas’ definition above) then
that person may face a fine for littering, on top of the
additional charge of murder or manslaughter that may also
ensue.
Miscellaneous
– The grass restrictions within this notification refer
at all times to domestic English grass as grown here for
the viewing pleasure of visitors (see ‘visitors’
definition above). The grass referenced within this act
does not cover any plant substance introduced into the park
for the intention of inserting the substance, or its derivatives
(including, but not limited to, the fumes of incinerating
the substance), into a living thing (including but not limited
to yourself, your partner, your domesticated animals), with
the sole purpose of causing unnatural behavioural changes
within the subject. Such acts are not covered here, except
where they lead to visitors (see ‘visitors’ definition
above) harming (see ‘harmful activity’ definition
above) the grass areas (see ‘grass areas’ definition
above), but may contravene the laws of this country and
other park acts and regulations, including, but not limited
to, ‘No littering,’ ‘No running’ and
‘No feeding the animals.’
These
terms and conditions of ‘not walking on the grass’
are subject to change without due notice being given. Other
restrictions and codes of practice not listed here may be
in force and their exclusion from this notice does in no
way nullify their effective jurisdiction.
